I have cut a lot of people out of my life. Most I did deliberately, some just fade away as time and distance accumulate. Never have I regret or sulk over it. I knew it’s for the best. I knew I wouldn’t miss a thing. And I had always been right. But a few years ago I met someone and almost immediately, for some reasons, I had to cut her loose too. As time went by, she’s breaking that always-right streak. Because as a matter a fact, I’ve been contemplating whether I had made the right decision.
We’ve already developed a pattern of resentment toward each other.
We met through a mutual friend. At the beginning, I thought she was out of my league. My first impression was that she was an it-girl. I thought we might get along well before she found out what a complete geek I was. Well, I wasn’t a geeky geek. But I must admit that I felt that I was not as cool.
When I picked her up at the airport, I’m quite nervous. I can be very awkward around new people. But as it turned out, in just a blink of an eye, we hit it off. Thanks to her chatty personality and lots of her crazy stories. We bonded even more over our annoyance to the things people from back home do as well as our love to travel. I really thought that we clicked. I felt like I could talk literally about everything to her. She speaks my language, she’s on my league, and her energy suits me. Such things rarely happen between me and a girl friend.
Although quite soon enough, I began to pick up some annoying things she often does. Those things were quite hard to ignore as it so happened that we live under the same roof. And unfortunately, I wasn’t mature enough to handle it. I thought I was but as it turned out, I was wrong. By the time we finally had the chance to confront our feelings it was already too late. As she said, by then “we’ve already developed a pattern of resentment toward each other.” And although we finally cleared the miscommunication and apologised to each other, our relationship was not the same anymore.
Still keeping some resentments, I didn’t really care about that. Maybe we weren’t that compatible, I thought. I felt a bit sad though, thinking about the fun we had but that’s it, I didn’t need to be friends with her anymore.
Months later she reached out to me, apologizing for what happened between us. I appreciated that but I didn’t take the chance to reconcile. I’m not saying that she would want to, she might not. But I regret that I was being a stone-cold bitch who then, didn’t realise the chance to try to get a good friend back.
I miss having a girl friend I could talk about anything with, who’s in sync with me, who understand my dark thoughts, who stimulates me intellectually
I wish I had been warmer and ask to meet up to patch things up. I wish I wasn’t being passive aggressive. I wish we had dealt with it a little bit better.
I’m writing this because I miss her or maybe I miss having a girl friend I could talk about anything with, who’s in sync with me, who understand my dark thoughts, who stimulates me intellectually. And I don’t expect anyone and even her to read this and I definitely not expecting anything to happen. I just feel the need to let all this feelings out and this is the best platform I could think of.